


a gay text a day keeps the doctor away

by orangejuicing



Category: South Park
Genre: Cursed content, F/F, F/M, M/M, Someone stop me, kenny and bebe are bffs shut up, text fic, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27058120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangejuicing/pseuds/orangejuicing
Summary: rated t for language—stan: STOPPP IM LITERALLY PHOTOSYNTHESIZINGqween: IM ASEXUALLY REPRODUCING AS WE SPEAKstraggot: IM OPENING MY STOMATAhead bitch: GIRL MY ANACONDA DOESNT RNfat whore: YALL IM LITERALLY ON MY WAY TO MURDER KYLEqween: should i be concerned—i’m sorry <3
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger
Comments: 35
Kudos: 68





	1. pea pods and shit

**Author's Note:**

> i think text fics are my calling jkjk unless? i just really have fun writing these lmao

  
  


**stan** added  **kyle, kenny, cartman, butters, tweek, craig, pip, damien, token, clyde, wendy** and  **bebe** to the chat.

**stan** changed  **cartman** ’s name to  **fat whore**

fat whore: THE FUCK

kyle: you should have said fat skanky hoe

bebe: i- ok

fat whore: WELL SEE WHOS THE SKANKY HOE WHEN I FIND YOU KYLE

kyle: um

kyle: tf is that supposed to mean 

stan: Oh you guys can change your names if you want to

stan: I gave you all admin except for cartman

token: as you should 

fat whore: WOW LOOK AT THIS BIAS STAN IS PROBABLY FUCKING ALL OF YOU AS WE SPEAK

stan: Oh yeah you caught me youre next in line

token: why did you make this again

kenny: i thought i was the bitch of this town :(

token: you are

**token** changed  **kenny** ’s name to  **head bitch**

head bitch: oh nice it even says head in it

kyle: get tf out 

head bitch: so no head? :(

fat whore: kenny 

head bitch: yes ;)

fat whore: die

kyle: you’ll die first from cardiac arrest obese fucker

fat whore: i’m not the one who goes into diabetic shock if i don’t stab myself every hour

kyle: you can start talking when you stop using your stomach as a plate

fat whore: I DONT DO THAT TF

wendy: Um

wendy: Tf is this??

bebe: girl im asking the same thing 

kyle: sean made a group chat

kyle: no

kyle: stan 

clyde: TOP O THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES

token: clyde honey no 

wendy: IM NOT THAT STUPID TF I WAS WONDERING WHY HE MADE IT

stan: Idk so we can talk???? 

craig: just say what were all thinking

bebe: why did you include the fat whore

bebe: why did nobody else say it 

bebe: backstabbers smh my head

fat whore: i’m going to fucking end you bebe

bebe: good luck ending this phat ass

head bitch: trying so hard to not bring up that time from 3rd grade

kyle: do nOT

kyle: i swear to god 

head bitch: remember how stan had to put a stick up his dick i 

stan: YES I REMEMBER STFU

head bitch: bebe

bebe: no

bebe: we don’t talk about hetero bebe

bebe: just pretend i never liked men

wendy: Youre literally bi

bebe: wendy stfu i can still hate men 

bebe: like tf call the extermination services for these ugly roaches

wendy: I- ok

wendy: Theyre all gay anyway 

head bitch: i am *pan*

wendy: You fuck anything that moves 

head bitch: yes

bebe: who here is actually fully homosexual

head bitch: omg craig 

craig: i will shove your parka down your throat 

bebe: ok so that’s a yes 

tweek: yEah

head bitch: how tf was i gonna forget about tweek

head bitch: ily tweek mwah 

craig: …

head bitch: not like that goddamn craig i mean unless you wanted a threesome haha jk jk 

head bitch: unless

craig: which one of your windows is punched out again 

head bitch: the 

head bitch: oh

head bitch: i see

fat whore: all of them

head bitch: bold of you to assume my windows had glass in the first place 

kyle: kenny this feels like a cry for help

head bitch: i assure you if i needed help i would be very loud about it

head bitch: maybe not as loud as cartman but yknow

token: i wish i hadn’t interpreted that the way i did

head bitch: BDSHSGSHS I DIDNT EVEN THINK- 

kyle: i am fucking scarred i hate you guys

token: kyle out of all of us youre the one who would know 

kyle: WHAT

kyle: NO NO NO NO NO NO TOKEN WTF

stan: I-

kyle: i’m going to cry 

fat whore: then do it 

kyle: GO AWAY 

head bitch: IM FUCKING WHEEZING IM WITH HIM RN THERES TEARS IN HIS EYES

head bitch: tears in my eyes too but from laughing

kyle: i cant take this harrassment 

kyle: fuck you token

token: i said what we were all thinking 

bebe: omg remember that time with nichole-

kyle: STOP

token: HDASDHDDH CARTMAN YOU RACIST FUCK BUT ALSO THAT WAS HILARIOUS

kyle: IT WAS NOT HILARIOUS FOR ME

stan: Yeah ngl that was funny

kyle: HE TOLD EVERYONE I WAS GAY

token: are you not

kyle: SHUR UP TOKEN

token: ah so you are 

head bitch: he’s bi :)

stan: Oh me too hell yeah 

wendy: Nobody here is straight

token: i’m straight 

wendy: Other than token

bebe: ok but tf stan you didn’t even add heidi or red????

stan: I’m deadass scared of heidi 

kyle: HADHCHCCHCJ SAME

bebe: i’m adding them 

**bebe** added  **heidi** and  **red** to the chat.

red: i- what is this 

bebe: my gorgeous phat ass

wendy: Bebe shut tf up about your ass already 

bebe: ok if you talk about it instead

head bitch: i’ll talk about it 

head bitch: bebe’s ass is the phattest and juiciest around 

kyle: how could any ass be fatter than cartmans

fat whore: FUCK OFF 

head bitch: kyle you make a fair point; however i raise you: is it juicy

token: there is no god

bebe: there is only my ass

wendy: SHDCX STOPPPP

bebe: worship it

bebe: craig doesn’t have to he can worship tweek’s less phat less juicy ass instead 

craig: i’m inclined to argue

bebe: then do it 

craig: not worth it 

bebe: EXCUSE ME

stan: Damnn

heidi: hey guys!

fat whore: FUCK OH GOD

kyle: oh shit oh fuck

stan: BEBE WHY

bebe: um tf is wrong with you stop being mean to my girl 

heidi: i can leave if they don’t want me here…

fat whore: YES GO

bebe: NO

bebe: you can take your own ugly lumpy ass out of the chat but don’t come for heidi 

wendy: I- go off girl 

head bitch: bebe is always a fucking qween

kyle: it’s something about the blondes

head bitch: HEY IM BLONDE

head bitch: HEY THANK YOU

head bitch: i am a qween

token: shouldn’t it be king 

head bitch: get outta here w that toxic masculinity token 

token: bitch i-

token: ok qween

kyle: SPELL IT RIGHT

head bitch: kyle r-i-g-h-t doesn’t spell qween are you okay

kyle: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT

head bitch: i genuinely know nothing 

bebe: he knows only my ass

head bitch: that knowledge is an inherited trait 

stan: Oh my god i fucking despise biology

kyle: it’s not that hard lmao-

stan: Ok damn leave some brain wrinkles for the rest of us king 

head bitch: it’s true my brain is quite smooth 

bebe: omg what was his name fucking pea pod man

wendy: Gregor Mendel???

bebe: THATS THE BITCH

fat whore: he can shove his pea pods up his ass 

kyle: still more action than you’ll ever get 

stan: DFAGSDHXHXJ KYLE MARRY ME

fat whore: ha gay

stan: Ha fat

fat whore: AY

bebe: wait we all need nicknames

**bebe** changed  **kyle** ’s name to  **qween**

qween: oh ha ha

**qween** changed  **bebe** ’s name to  **flat ass**

flat ass: NO

**head bitch** changed  **bebe** ’s name to  **phat ass**

phat ass: thank you kenny 

head bitch: of course

**phat ass** changed  **wendy** ’s name to  **gregor mendel**

gregor mendel: Girl-

phat ass: i didnt have any good ideas

gregor mendel: It’s ok boo i know you’re no thoughts head empty

**qween** changed  **craig** ’s name to **gaylord**

gaylord: k

qween: he really gives no fucks

fat whore: except to tweek lmao

phat ass: omg

**phat ass** changed  **token** ’s name to  **straggot**

straggot: the creativity

phat ass: SHUR UP I HAVE A PHAT ASS NOT A PHAT BRAIN   
head bitch: your ass + wendy’s brainpower tho

stan: Power couple

gregor mendel: Stan youre dating me-

stan: Yeah but like kenny is right

head bitch: as always

qween: stan you still need a name

straggot: so do half the people on this chat but we can deal w that when theyre active

stan: I’ll stick with stan thanks <3

fat whore: ugh why do i not have insults for stan

fat whore: i used them all up on kyle and kenny

fat whore: this is what i get for hanging out with jews and hookers

head bitch: hey fatass im not a hooker 

qween: kenny-

stan: Denial is the first stage

phat ass: its ok kenny we can be sluts together

head bitch: omg girl theyll be throwing billsssss

fat whore: you fuckin wish

fat whore: what am i saying you would lick my shoes for a dollar

head bitch: noooo i would not

head bitch: my price has been raised

head bitch: $5

qween: kenny WHAT

fat whore: well now youre just being greedy

phat ass: kenny if i were rich i would throw you big bills

stan: Token you should support kennys stripper career

straggot: absofuckinglutely not

head bitch: please

straggot: ok but just because i hate cartman

fat whore: get in fucking line

qween: no cutting im at the front

fat whore: you say this with my kidney in your body

qween: your shit kidney

fat whore: well duh thats what kidneys are for

qween: um

qween: no?????

stan: They filter your blood dude

fat whore: and what happens to the waste? it turns into shit try again

qween: everything that comes out of your mouth is shit so frankly i wouldnt be surprised if the inside is the same

stan: ~Kidneycore~

qween: STOPP

straggot: ugh the red blood cell aesthetic *chefs kiss*

gregor mendel: Omg renal artery😍😍

head bitch: imagine knowing what a kidney is

phat ass: all i know of kidneys is that sometimes theres stones

phat ass: but like, why tf you putting rocks in your organs?? seems kinda dumb to me🙄🙄🙄

gregor mendel: Bebe-

phat ass: i thought u said babe and i got rlly excited but no it was just my name

fat whore: keep it in your pants jesus christ

stan: Bebe i support the ship but also could you not be flirting with my gf

head bitch: just have a threesome

phat ass: oh i am DOWN

stan: NO

straggot: someone tell me why 

clyde: ain’t nothing but a heart ache

straggot: shut the fuck up clyde

straggot: anyways 

straggot: why tf are bellybuttons

qween: is that…. your entire question 

straggot: yeah 

head bitch: to collect lint and hold coins 

qween: hold- w-

head bitch: nature’s wallet

phat ass: natures wallet is a KANGAROO dumb ass

fat whore: you two have the same illiterate slut energy

qween: honestly? yeah 

fat whore: ew tf i don’t want you agreeing with me get away 

head bitch: it’s ok 🛒 👨 we’re all gay 

qween: did you just-

fat whore: at least he calls me by my name unlike some certain jewish prostitutes 

qween: where tf did prostitution come into this 

phat ass: wait YALL

phat ass: why tf do we need an umbilical cord 

phat ass: like…. it aint like the baby’s going anywhere🙄🙄

gregor mendel: I am showing incredible self restraint rn

phat ass: like tf you keeping it on a leash for? what’s it gonna do? chew on your intestines? nah.

stan: STOPPP IM LITERALLY PHOTOSYNTHESIZING 

qween: IM ASEXUALLY REPRODUCING AS WE SPEAK😭😭

straggot: IM OPENING MY STOMATA😭

head bitch: GIRL MY ANACONDA DOESNT RN

fat whore: IM LITERALLY ON MY WAY TO MURDER KYLE RN 😭😭

qween: should i be concerned 

qween: my doorbell is ringing

fat whore: pakige :)

qween: nope 

qween: KENNY WHY ARE YOU OUTSIDE MT WINDOW

head bitch: why not 

head bitch: jk i’m returning your science notes 

qween: GO TI THE DOOR

head bitch: fat fuck is at the door

fat whore: i’m gonna stomp on your broke ass ugli face kenny 

head bitch: no <3

stan: Y’all fucking scare me

stan: Cartmsn get your lard butt to my house and retrieve your ugly cat 

stan: Sparky is trying to eat it 

fat whore: IM TRYING TI KILL KYLE GIVE ME A MINUTE JESUS I CANT BE EVERYWHERE AT ONCE

qween: what are you killing me with fatass

fat whore: my bare hands, duh

phat ass: ew where have those hands been 

phat ass: unhygienic plus fingerprints 

qween: cool well anyways kenny and i are trying to feed chicken to ducks at starks pond now so now isn’t a good time 

fat whore: WAIT ARE THY EATING IT

head bitch: LMAO YES

fat whore: okok i won’t kill you today i gotta see this 

phat ass: ugh cannibalism 😍😍

gaylord: i hate birds 

straggot: that was ominous

stan: And he’s gone again wtf 

stan: Anyways I gotta see duck cannibalism be rigjt there

fat whore: what about my cat 

fat whore: stan

fat whore: HELLO

fat whore: WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING CAT STAN

stan: Haha these ducks are pretty funny 

fat whore: fuck it sparky is gay anyways 

fat whore: wow what a king 

fat whore: gay icon


	2. does eric cartman is gay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if these emojis don't show up.... that's embarrassing xx  
> in ee wayz sorry this update took so long i have no excuse

phat ass: help i cant stop watching 

gregor mendel: Watching…. what 

phat ass: extreme cheapskates

phat ass: this is NASTAYY

phat ass: “i only flush the toilet once a week” wot the FAWK

head bitch: i was about to say i should be on that show but never fucking mind 

fat whore: no i think it fits 

gregor mendel: Unlike anything in your closet 

phat ass: oop- come through bitchhh

head bitch: but i would use yogurt cups for water cuz y’all… the ✨flavor✨

stan: Mmm expired french vanilla

head bitch: i cant afford yall static ass sparkling water i have to get my hint of flavor elsewhere

stan: Or just…. drink normal water

head bitch: come to my house, taste the tap water, and say it again 

stan: I’m fine thanks

head bitch: that’s what i THOUGHT

fat whore: his water is recycled from his toilet yall

stan: Bitch…. so is yours

fat whore: i have a FRIDGE with a FILTER

stan: And why u think it needs the filter huh 

phat ass: omg the water cycle 

phat ass: evaporation condensation united nations constipation

straggot: there was an attempt 

phat ass: oh i’m sorry my brain isn’t all raisiny like yours my brain is smooth bc it ages impeccably 

fat whore: i think that’s called “being a fucking idiot”

qween: well you would know about that 

head bitch: kYyLe hi 

qween: hey 

phat ass: yknow what cartman were forming a club 

fat whore: a club of….?

phat ass: smooth brain society

phat ass: kenny and butters and clyde and pip come too 

fat whore: not a fan of being in close proximity with poor people in case it rubs off but as long as jews cant join were good 

qween: oh wow antisemitism 😍 that is so funny and it has been funny in all the years you’ve been saying it it has not gotten old in any way keep it up boo

phat ass: cartmsn don’t be a dick being jewish has nothing to do w it kyle cant join bc his brain is as wrinkly as stans grandpa 

stan: I-

fat whore: someone tell kyle that heart eye emojis aren’t comedy

head bitch: they are their own form of comedy 😍

butters: hey fellas 

fat whore: here we go 

butters: what does smooth brain mean 

fat whore: it means you’re stupid butters 

fat whore: you are stupid and incapable of anything and will die alone 

phat ass: it means your brain isn’t wrinkly 

stan: My brain has exactly 5 wrinkles 

phat ass: i am sorry that’s too many you will have to join the slightly creased brain society 

phat ass: some members include tweek, heidi, damien and red 

phat ass: the super wrinkly brain society is wendy, kyle, token, and craig 

straggot: i’m flattered 

phat ass: don’t be youre all wet blankets 

qween: oh wow thanks 

fat whore: i’m telling you! jews ruin everything!

gregor mendel: Raise your hand if you think cartman is a hitler kinnie

qween: 🙋♀️ 

phat ass: 🙋♀️

straggot: 🙋♀️

stan: 🙋♀️

head bitch: 🙋♀️

butters: 🕺

fat whore: butters what the fuck

butters: he’s dancin

fat whore: and why is he dancing 

butters: he’s listening to michael jackson 

qween: i-

fat whore: smooth criminal, i assume

phat ass: to match our smooth brains

fat whore: exactly

clyde: periodt!!

fat whore: get out

clyde: hoes mad

fat whore: shut your fucking mouth before i glue it shut

clyde: damn girl u pressed!

phat ass: BAVGCHJVJKJBJ CLYDE STOP 

clyde: why

fat whore: jesus fucking christ

head bitch: outdated slang you sound cringey

clyde: oh oof

fat whore: thats it im fucking done im ending it all bye

clyde: mega oof

straggot: clyde… do you like minion memes

clyde: uhm no

gaylord: you fucking forced me to look at them yesterday

clyde: WOW CRAIG I DID NOT EXPECT SUCH BETRAYAL

gaylord: well you should have

head bitch: i- craig can i kiss you

gaylord: you can die

head bitch: that is true but my question still stands

gaylord: sorry, let me rephrase

gaylord: if you even come near me, i will kill you and your entire bloodline

head bitch: tf y’all talking bout bloodline is that like a line of coke🙄🙄

phat ass: imagine snorting blood mm yeah 

qween: that’s disgusting 

head bitch: you’re disgusting 

qween: i

qween: wow

qween: i’m genuinely offended rn

head bitch: i’m sorry i didn’t mean it 

fat whore: you know you did 

phat ass: ur uglyie

fat whore: at least god put my hair in the right place 

fat whore: when he made bebe the carpet was misplaced if you catch my drift 

head bitch: don’t bring it up 

stan: God don’t bring it up 

straggot: for the love of god 

qween: i’m trying so hard not to 

qween: i really really am

fat whore: go ahead and see where it gets you ❤️

butters: hey eric remember that time you chopped that kids parents into chili and fed it to him becuz he sold you his pubes? that was pretty funky id say 

gregor mendel: Oh boy 

fat whore: thank you, butters, for reminding me of my power 

gaylord: ibs?

fat whore: GODDAMMIT CRAIG I DO NOT HAVR IBS SHUT YOUR FAG MOUTH

phat ass: hey that’s a slur

head bitch: not cool dude

stan: Yeah wtf

phat ass: you can’t say fag unless you’re gay

phat ass: or bi or whatever 

clyde: ….that’s suspicious ….. that’s weird….

straggot: cartman is there something you want to tell us

fat whore: yeah you’re all ugly and i would cry tears of joy if you died today 

straggot: that’s old news cmon

gregor mendel: Yall i- 

head bitch: guys…. does eric cartman is gay? 🤔

phat ass: eric cartman is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago. even it has happened in 2012, but some of the public still curious about what is exactly happening and to be the reason there is a rumor comes out about his gay. at that time he became the massive social networking rumor. the public, especially his fans are shocked. he just came out with his bad rumor which is spread massively. this time is not about his smooth brain career, but his bad rumor. the rumor is out of standardize of hoax, according the last reported this smooth brained fatass revealed himself as homosexual. do you still believe or not, this rumor is really much talked by people even in a person of his fans.

qween: how tf did you type that so fast 

phat ass: magic 

head bitch: copy and paste 

phat ass: stfu kenny let me have my moment

fat whore: so, bebe, how does it feel to be a dead woman

phat ass: pretty gay 

gregor mendel: Not everything has to be gay bb

phat ass: but its more fun if it is

head bitch: i second that

clyde: i cant remember my roblox password and its really upsetting me

qween: make a new acc

clyde: BUT I HAD SO MANY ROBUX

straggot: what-

clyde: i was rich token… i was rich

straggot: no, what makes you think anyone cares

gregor mendel: Wow I

qween: I HATE MEN

phat ass: me too b 

qween: WHY YALL GOTTA TALK WHILE TAKING A SHIT

qween: “ayo dude that fart was hot”

head bitch: WHAT VSAHVVHVVKVJH

stan: The boys bathrrom exists in the pits of hell

qween: “MM JUICY” HELP

fat whore: the toilets eating good today😍😍

qween: STOP

head bitch: YALL PLS

head bitch: I ACCIDENTALLY 

head bitch: I CANTT I M LAUFHUBF SO HARD

head bitch: BEBE IM SO SORRY BJVSJVJVSJHJVSK

phat ass: GISVQVKJSVQKJ IM CRYI GGSGGSG

stan: Wtf happened

head bitch: I WAS GOING UP THE STAITS AND I THROUGHT NOBODY WAS BEHIND ME SO I

head bitch: I STOPPED AND FARTED

head bitch: AND BEBE RAN INTO MY ASS AT TAHT EXACT SECOND

head bitch: AND I SPRINTED

phat ass: I CANT BREATYEEEE YALL I STG 

qween: jesus even cartman has better humor than you two

fat whore: dont fucking compliment me bc now i have to argue against it

qween: i will compliment you for the greater good

fat whore: to 😌🥵 sacrifice😵😡 My🤧😎 OWN🤫 life 🕊 for pakisTAN🇵🇰 😼

fat whore: that’s you kyle

qween: yeah i got that

head bitch: i got that yummyyy yummyyy

phat ass: pack it up walmart just tim beamer🙄🙄

stan: Jousting bee her

straggot: jumpin breeder

qween: jug stem beaver

fat whore: genital herpes

stan: What

qween: what

fat whore: what

gregor mendel: Anyways so

stan: Does anyone wanna come carve pumpkins at my house

qween: ill come!

fat whore: sounds gay no thanks

stan: It’s…. pumpkins…

fat whore: gay

stan: Wh- 

phat ass: wendy will u come w me

phat ass: be my plus one

stan: Bebe she’s my girlfriend

phat ass: ok and? learn to share smh🙄🙄

gregor mendel: I hate both of you but yeah I’ll come

head bitch: oh yeahh i wanna dig my hand in a big ol sticky hole

fat whore: jesus christ just use a vibrator or something

qween: i-

fat whore: stfu i dont want to hear any shit from a ginger

qween: and i dont want to hear any shit from a bitch built like an elongated rotisserie chicken!! 

phat ass: ROTISSERIE CHICKEN I-😭

head bitch: i just got a bible for 12 cents

head bitch: now i can be holy and survive the wicked times🤫🕊😼

stan: Apparently you only can if youve been baptized

fat whore: i got baptized twice im safe ugly bitches

qween: can i borrow one of those if it turns out thats true

fat whore: you can pay me for it with your jew gold

qween: nvm ill just go to hell

head bitch: yess join me mwahahaha

phat ass: virgin mary was a lesbian

stan: Thank you for sharing but im pretty sure she was a plant

stan: Asexual reproduction babyy

qween: ok no offense but communion is fucking deranged

qween: like u just pretend to eat your savior… and for what

head bitch: i agree its fucking WEIRD but the tasteless crackers tho🤤🤤

fat whore: dont be shy bring the real body🙄

stan: WHAT NOW

fat whore: im about to shit myself at the orthodontist

qween: smooth subject change

fat whore: BITCH IM NOT KIDSDING

qween: just shit in the chair🙄🙄

fat whore: ill do it while theyre scanning my teeth

qween: nono when they say “spit” tell them you thought they said shit

fat whore: “i left you a surprise in the chair :)”

qween: “damn u stank so fuckin much i thought this was a port-a-potty my bad”

fat whore: JHJHJGHGSHJGJGHJ 

fat whore: sharty party

qween: maybe the ortho has a shit kink

fat whore: lava cake🤤🤤

qween: raisinets😌

fat whore: no no kyle i had taco bell earlier

fat whore: also the walmart turkey looked hella sus but i still ate it

qween: sus in what way

fat whore: highkey kinda creamy

qween: CREAMY???????

fat whore: shes been in the fridge awhile😌😌

qween: THAT SHITS DECOMPOSING B

qween: NO WONDER YOURE ABOUT TO SHIT YOURSELF

fat whore: the flavor was immaculate though

fat whore: no i lied she was kinda,, sour

qween: HJHQSGJQBJ IM GONNA PEE MYSELF 

fat whore: good bc i really am about to shit all over this chair

qween: hot fudge😍😍

fat whore: BJHVSHGGCH THE TEETH BITCH ASKING ME IF I FLOSS

fat whore: bicth ion even brush my teeth half the time why do you think im HERE

qween: your lack of hygiene astounds me

fat whore: fuck off jew

head bitch: that was like 5 whole minutes oh my god

head bitch: it was so beautiful

qween: what now

head bitch: YOU GOT ALONG BABES

stan: I WASLAUGHING SO HARD

gregor mendel: None of us were talking bc we wanted to see how long it could last 

fat whore: i hope he really pissed himself

qween: i hope you really shit yourself

head bitch: i hear wedding bells🕊

qween: no no i think that's your funeral march

fat whore: it sounds happy because it is

fat whore: a long awaited occasion

qween: nice

fat whore: i know

fat whore: i rlly did just shit myself😍

phat ass: AHSJAJHGJSGJAHKSJQSIHJKJ

qween: im peeing

fat whore: your pants?

qween: no on the fucking toilet you nasty

head bitch: ahh the miracle of nature

head bitch: a cow is trying to eat my pants

head bitch: im not joking

head bitch: pls help

head bitch: it wont let go

head bitch: ok i see how it is

head bitch: OW FUCK

head bitch: yall r paying for my funeral and i expect there to be cake☺️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay u made it gimme a kith mwah mwah


	3. team edward or team hannibal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ill probably update this once a week or so bc school is crushing my phat ass rn and im struggling... anyways happy halloween!

head bitch: goooooood morning hotties

phat ass: omg good morning hottie

fat whore: y’all are fucking ugly 

phat ass: i smell jealousy

fat whore: that’s just your own breath wafting back in your face 

phat ass: …. anyways so

stan: Who tf left a carton of milk in the road 

fat whore: um… a cow… are you stupid stan 

head bitch: wait is there still milk in it

stan: I will buy you a carton of chocolate milk to not drink this shit oh my god

stan: Shes ~chunky~

straggot: imagine chewing milk i -

head bitch: i don’t have to imagine 😍

qween: once again i ask , is this a cry for help

head bitch: it’s a cry for chocolate milk stan you better follow up

stan: THE BUS RAN OVER THE MILK 

stan: CHUBKS FLYING

qween: why is the bus already here i’m still in pajamas 

stan: MILK CHUNKS

fat whore: i gotta see this 

stan: ON MY C O A T

qween: oh well i’ll just put my coat over my pjs

head bitch: you’re killing me here acting like that’s not normal 

phat ass: um …. bitch … we put on clothes 

head bitch: oh so pajamas arent clothes now ok

straggot: kenny i will literally take you to the mall if you need clothes 

head bitch: or you could just take me out

straggot: on a date or to kill you

head bitch: why not both

qween: i’m ✨concerned✨

stan: There are milk chunks on my fucking coat and y’all don’t even care 

fat whore: i care

fat whore: if i didn’t i wouldn’t come all the way out here to laugh at you 

stan: Oh thank you 

head bitch: i care are they still edible 

stan: Youre not eating expired milk chunks off my coat 

head bitch: i’m a dry cleaning service now baby

head bitch: vroom vroom 

head bitch: i don’t know what noise a dry cleaner makes 

phat ass: fshhhhh

head bitch: that’s an IRON

fat whore: someone needs to buy me a new waffle iron bc butters fucking BROKE IT

butters: well gee whiz eric it wasn’t me!!

fat whore: gummy bear waffles

fat whore: it won’t melt the plastic you said

fat whore: oh hamburgers you said 

butters: but eric those were your idea!

fat whore: this is what i get for hanging out with bitches who can’t even make waffles for me

qween: maybe if you weren’t trying to stuff as much sugar in them as humanly possible it wouldn’t have happened 

fat whore: and maybe you would like to suck my balls

qween: no, no i would not 

head bitch: what if you got a million dollars for it

qween: still a big fuck no

fat whore: kyle you’re gonna have to lower your standards if you ever want to find love 

qween: theyre practically underground already 

fat whore: i could fry churros on your greasy jewish face 

fat whore: the moon landing was faked on your nose

fat whore: on gopher day every year the gopher pops out of one of your gigantic pores to see if you got even uglier

phat ass: why are you going off so hard omg

fat whore: mr hankey likes you bc hes attracted to other pieces of shit 

stan: Calm tf down dude 

gregor mendel: Fr

fat whore: i’m perfectly calm but i doubt kyle is… it’s the ginger temper 

qween: if you insult me one more time i’m gonna do something to end up on the national news ❤️

phat ass: i- 

fat whore: i’m sorry kyle i’m sure you’re very attractive i just can’t see very well around the blimp in the middle of your face 

head bitch: you should probably start running 🏃♂️ 

stan: I’m so sorry kyle but i laughed 

qween: cartman i’m not going to do anything today or even tomorrow 

qween: just know something is coming

fat whore: ooo i’m so scared of the little ginger twink 😩 yall i’m living in fear 

phat ass: you should live in fear of my ass

phat ass: yours could NEVER

fat whore: never be as flat as yours? true i guess 

clyde: why is eric so savage today like he’s roasting everyone 

fat whore: i will in fact roast you on a spit and then serve you to the entire town if you say savage again 

clyde: sis- go off

fat whore: you are so fucking annoying i’m considering going off... into the woods to live in solitude and never speak to anyone again 

clyde: see? savage 

fat whore: starting the bonfire now 

clyde: WAIT NO

phat ass: nooo we’ll lose a member of the sbs

straggot: …. special broadcasting service?? 

phat ass: NO IDIOT SMOOTH BRAIN SOCIETY WHICH MAYBE YOU SHOULD JOIN

qween: no way dude token is with us 

gregor mendel: Super wrinkly brain society unite 

gaylord: fuck off

qween: our power >>>

straggot: i hate craig the least right now

stan: But… where’s my slightly wrinkly brain society team 

red: yes hello 

tweek: hI

gaylord: aw hi tweek

head bitch: SOFT CRAIG SOFT CRAIG SOFT CR

gaylord: go fuck yourself with the banana bread you stole from me

head bitch: i was SAMPLING 

gaylord: yeah and i'm gonna sample this hammer on your HEAD

fat whore: what the fuck is banana bread

fat whore: it better not be what i think it is

qween: bread made with bananas

fat whore: i was afraid of that

qween: what the fuck else would it be-

fat whore: i don’t know what the fuck is a dreidel damn bitch

qween: stop coming for my religion i stg

fat whore: nono im not coming to synagogue for religion im coming for latkes

qween: THEY DONT HAVE LATKES AT SYNAGOGUE   


fat whore: are you sure 

qween: i am very sure

fat whore: you always have latkes at christmastime

fat whore: and you NEVER SHARE

qween: ok first of all theyre for hanukkah and secondly its fucking fried potatoes you can make them yourself

fat whore: but its not the SAME if you don’t steal them from a jew :(

qween: god i fucking hate you

qween: if i make you latkes will you shut up

fat whore: momentarily while i eat them, yes

head bitch: can you make me latkes

head bitch: pls

phat ass: tf is a latke you talking about a lake? 

stan: Omg salt lake city

fat whore: the book of mOOooOoOOoOrRrRRmOoonNN

fat whore: its so fucking stupid theres a difference from jews and christians and mormons yall all worship the same trashy novel just some different parts than others

stan: Yall cartman just ended religious discrimination

qween: CARTMAN HOW TF ARE YOU GONNA SAY THAT THEN MAKE FUN OF MY RELIGION   


fat whore: listen its like the twilight books

fat whore: heres the metaphor

fat whore: the jews worship the first two books which are coincidentally the shittiest

fat whore: the christians acknowledge those but mainly worship eclipse because its the best book

fat whore: then the mormons come and add an unnecessary shitty book from edwards pov to be special

qween: theres a lot i could say here but id like to start by asking why youre so informed on the twilight series

fat whore: um bc edward is a role model

qween: he is a STALKER

fat whore: yeah <3

qween: well ill take him over hannibal lecter i guess

fat whore: NO BUT THATS SUCH A GOOD MOVIE OK

qween: IM NEVER WATCHING A HORROR MOVIE WITH YOU EVER AGAIN   


phat ass: what happened lmao

qween: THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS LIKE HAHA #RELATABLE 

fat whore: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JOKING 

stan: Kyle called me to come over bc he genuinely thought you were about to murder him-

fat whore: yeah but he’s also a big horror wimp

fat whore: i made him read IT and he couldnt get past the part where pennywise comes out of the toilet

fat whore: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE MADE ME DO FOR TWO WEEKS   


qween: STOP THIS IS EMBARRASSING

fat whore: YOU SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED

fat whore: he made me stand guard in the bathroom with him every fucking time he came over

head bitch: PLSSS IM HOWLING THAT IS SO FUCKINF FUNNY

fat whore: he thought pennywise was gonna come out the toilet and murder him

fat whore: i told him my fucking taco bell from last week was wedged so far in the pipes he wouldnt be able to go through them

qween: bc youre disgusting

fat whore: I WAS TRYING TO COMFORT YOU UGLY GINGER BITCH

qween: WELL YOU SUCK AT IT

fat whore: oh ok next time you need someone to stand in the bathroom in case you get sucked in the toilet by pennywise you can just ask someone else

qween: stan would do it

stan: Um

stan: I would not

fat whore: HAHGAHVSHVHQ   


phat ass: he would never be able to suck my phat ass into the toilet

straggot: i would simply say no <3

gregor mendel: Kyle for someone in the wrinkly brain society youre fucking stupid

qween: OK YEAH I GET SCARED AT HORROR MOVIES WOOO LETS ALL MAKR FUN OF KYLE

fat whore: we dont have to! you do that all by yourself :)

clyde: HKJSVJHBJKVJQBKJQVJSQJJHQBJHQVJHQJV GHGVJQVKQ YALL YALL YALL

fat whore: remember youre on thin ice clyde

clyde: im playing fnaf 

straggot: yes i know im sitting next to you which i regret because my ears are suffering

straggot: go play it with kyle you can piss yourselves together

qween: guys stop its not funny anymore

qween: like ok making fun of me, thats fine, but saying i should hang out with CLYDE??   


stan: Yeah that was a low blow

clyde: wow

fat whore: yeah jesus christ chill out token

head bitch: this mosquito is trying to eat me out rn

head bitch: like damn if u want special services you can get in line w everyone else

stan: Special what now

head bitch: yeah :)

qween: oook

fat whore: im surprised yall are still texting class just started

qween: im late i missed the stupid bus

fat whore: oh man you missed stan’s milk chunk coat it was so fucking funny

stan: It was NOT

phat ass: im skipping with kenny

head bitch: yah were at the gas station borrowing snacks

qween: borrowing-

phat ass: yes like the borrowers that weird book series with the tiny people idk if u know it

qween: um- never mind 

head bitch: anyways you can join us if you want but idk if theres room on the sidewalk for me, you AND bebe’s phat juicy ass

qween: nah thats ok im almost there anyways

stan: Cartman where are you anyways you went to the bathroom and never came back

fat whore: listen slut, i had a burrito bowl last night

stan: Point taken, i will question you no further

phat ass: yall kenny is stuffing hot dogs into a slurpee cup

phat ass: THEYRE RINGING IT UP AS A SLURPEE

phat ass: omg theres like ten im amazed

head bitch: im gonna munch… im gonna crunch

straggot: hot dogs should not be crunchy

head bitch: the crunch is the sound of my teeth falling apart and mixing with the hot dog

qween: you are so fucking gross

head bitch: inside each of your minds there is a toothy hot dog

fat whore: only one?

qween: shut up shut up shut up

fat whore: why kiyllll are you scared your teeth will fall apart while youre eating

fat whore: do i need to stand guard with dentures

qween: i hate you all!

qween: except tweek tweek is nice

tweek: thank yOu 

head bitch: OW I GENUINELY JUST BROKE MY TOOTH WHAT THE FUCK

fat whore: i will get you dentures as soon as i finish shitting dont u worry

head bitch: i cant wait five years cartman

fat whore: oh i see how it is i hope all your teeth crumble into glitter that will be stuck on the roof of your mouth forever

head bitch: oh hell yeah a party in my mouth

qween: yknow what? clyde do you want to eat lunch with me today

clyde: really??

qween: oh my god no lmfao


	4. chee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is like half the length of a normal chapter im just exhausted

clyde: WHOA DUDES i just saw the weirdest shit

fat whore: WHOA DUDE i don’t care

straggot: stfu cartman what did you see

clyde: cheese truck 

fat whore: cheese… truck????

clyde: like an ice cream truck but it had cheese

clyde: pepper jack, parmesan, fresh mozzarella, pimiento…. you name it

fat whore: where did you see this cheese truck 

qween: clyde don’t answer he’s just going to eat cheese until he pukes

fat whore: kyle shut your jew mouth 🥰

straggot: clyde that is… something 

clyde: ikr i bought some mozzarella and i’m gonna be on the toilet for a while tonight

fat whore: OHH my god i need some 

qween: so you can shit out your guts???

fat whore: it’s called ✨detoxing✨

stan: Um- anyways so

qween: stan 

stan: Yes

qween: tell me you didn’t buy cheese from the cheese truck 

stan: Well you see

phat ass: OMG ME AND WEBDY AND STAN ALL GOT CHEESE LMFAOO

phat ass: THEY HAVE MOZZARELLA STICKS AND THOSE BRAZILIAN CHEESE BALL THINGS

straggot: lord have mercy on us all

clyde: token do you want some mozzarella i cant eat any more 

straggot: yeah sure 

gregor mendel: Idk who came up with the idea of a cheese truck but i’d like to marry them

fat whore: quick stan take credit 

phat ass: it was me🥰💪

stan: I-

gregor mendel: K never mind 

phat ass: :0

phat ass: thar really hurt my feelings wow 

fat whore: i really do not care wow 

qween: funny how nobody asked you wow

fat whore: when was the last time you exfoliated your pores are huge wow

head bitch: RAT TRAIN

head bitch: TOOT TOOT

straggot: what now

head bitch: rat train 

head bitch: it’s like rat migration kinda

phat ass: OMG hunters and gatherers

gregor mendel: Wow indus valley aesthetic ✨

head bitch: they smell CHEEE

fat whore: so do i who wants to start stomping on rats

fat whore: wear shoes that can get wet

qween: cheese isn’t… that great… 

fat whore: WHAT

phat ass: WHAT

head bitch: WHAT

straggot: WHAT

stan: WHAT

gregor mendel: WHAT 

fat whore: oh my GOD this explains so much 

qween: about….?

fat whore: why you’re so short and ugly and stupid …? duh 

phat ass: ooh wait is cheese kosher

qween: it can be but i don’t eat kosher

head bitch: ooo which kinds are allowed

qween: well it doesn’t really matter the type it just can’t be made on equipment that processes meat 

fat whore: oh wow i know this conversation ain’t melatonin yet i’m still falling the fuck asleep 

stan: Stay asleep we don’t want you 🥰

head bitch: PERIODT 

qween: and that’s on that ✨

clyde: how come kenny can say periodt but when i say it it’s cringe????

fat whore: clyde…. look at yourself in the mirror and ask again 

straggot: cartman i know damn well you ain’t trying to go off on clyde when you looking like a whole dumpster 

qween: HWASDGDGXGJVVJV I SCREAMED

stan: Poor dump truck driver🥱😫

fat whore: you guys aren’t funny 😁 

stan: You just can’t come up with a comeback 😋 next caller

fat whore: STAN IM SERIOUSLY- 

fat whore: i hope a dump truck runs you over 

stan: At least i’m not the dump 😘

head bitch: ahh yes go off 

clyde: we STAN stan 

qween: i exhaled with force 

straggot: god this mozzarella is GOOD

clyde: RIGHT????

clyde: i’m lack toads in taller ants though 

fat whore: bitch me too the fuck

clyde: omg shart pride🥰

head bitch: someone make a flag

head bitch: fly high 😫🕊💪😘😣🙏

butters: reading raiiiinbow 🌈

head bitch: close enough

qween: hi butters

butters: hey fellas 

head bitch: HEY DUDE

fat whore: who decided cheese should be stringy

butters: god 

fat whore: i guess that makes sense

straggot: i jus watched clyde dip cheese in milk im not ok

clyde: THATS NOT WEIRD 

qween: YES THE FUCK IT IS

butters: i dip my cheese in water

head bitch: OMG ME TOO TWINSIES

stan: Um- ok

phat ass: CHEESE MILK   


gregor mendel: ITS CALLED WHEY

fat whore: no whey thats crazy

qween: how do you politely tell someone to fuck off

gregor mendel: “Leave my presence”

clyde: “Please stop photosynthesis in front of me thank you”

straggot: “i appreciate your effort. please close the door on your way out.”

head bitch: “the door”

gregor mendel: “Your existence is appreciated but I'd appreciate it even more if you existed somewhere else!”

phat ass: “the world is better with you in it! just not.. MY world”

fat whore: “i appreciate the effort you’re putting into this, even if it’d take less effort for me to bulldoze you to death and sell your remains on the deep web :)”

gaylord: “your presence physically makes me recoil and projectile vomit, you remind me of all things bad, your likeness is impeccable to a global pandemic. no don't start crying it makes you look as if someone slapped you with a baby that in turn shat itself in your mouth you’re just making things worse”

head bitch: HFAGHVSGSJAHJ IM ROLLING IN THE DEEP RN

qween: those were all horrible

fat whore: you asked for help don’t be an ungrateful little skank

qween: ill be as ungrateful as i want

fat whore: then ill make you watch american horror story as much as i want

qween: NO IM NOT WATCHING THAT I TOLD YOU ALREADY

gaylord: lmao youre as bad as tweek

tweek: wHat?? did i do something wrong?????

gaylord: nonono ur just a baby about horror

tweek: ITS SCARY

fat whore: THATS THE POINT   


fat whore: i swear this bitch couldnt even handle coraline

stan: Omg youre right fr i watched coraline with kyle and he got so scared he wouldnt let me leave the room to get water

qween: PISS OFF THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO

stan: It was like a month ago i-

fat whore: omg stan help me tie kyle to the couch and well make him watch nightmare on elm street

stan: NO IM NOT DOING THAT TO HIM

head bitch: ill help

qween: oh THANKS

head bitch: you are so welcome

phat ass: when i was younger i was scared of animal jam

stan: What-

phat ass: i really couldnt tell you why

stan: Cool ok anyways

phat ass: something about the soulless eyes


	5. happy turkey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got covid 2 weeks ago and i was Super Sick (im fine now dw) but im sorry i dipped for so long omg  
> also small warning for the k slur

tweek: aNy one know where i can gET! healthy coping mechanisms??

phat ass: unfortunately i think that is a question we all have rn

fat whore: super sexy idea for you, start breaking shit from the china cabinet 

tweek: bUt i don’t HAVe a china cabinet 

fat whore: that’s your problem now i’m out of ideas 

head bitch: just pee <3

stan: PEE????

tweek: baaaad iDea 

phat ass: IT WAS A BAD IDEA (BANUNUNUN) CALLING YOU UP

fat whore: say bad idea once and here come all the girl in red fans… pack it up lesbos

stan: You trip once and here they come asking you if you fell... in love in october 🙄🙄 pack it up sapphics

phat ass: why am i being attacked right now 

fat whore: youre gay and we’re immensely homophobic 

fat whore: or in stans case immensely homosexual 

stan: I HAVE A GF

fat whore: stan idk how to break this to you but you’re wendy’s side chick

fat whore: she’s more interested in bebe

phat ass: FR????!!?? WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS WHAT

fat whore: because it’s a lie that i just made up 

phat ass: oh

head bitch: it’s ok wendy still loves you 

gregor mendel: As a friend 

head bitch: oooohh that stings 

butters: i got stung by a jellyfish once 

phat ass: please tell us all about it to distract me from my humiliation 

butters: well i would but uh that was the whole story 

fat whore: youre shit at telling stories butters 

butters: i’m sorry :-( 

qween: OMG NO BUTTERS ITS OK

qween: if you’re wondering why i didn’t see these texts til now it’s because ike was SHITTING HIS PANTS

fat whore: he learned from the best 😌😌

qween: yeah you are pretty good at shitting yourself

fat whore: glad we can agree 

qween: it wasn’t a compliment 

qween: fucking nasty 

head bitch: cartman channels nikocado vibes fr

phat ass: i- 

stan: sHhhsggHhghhhHHHHHH SHHH SHH

stan: That was my nik impression 

head bitch: it was good but uou should have thrown lettuce 

head bitch: OMG KYLE IS ORLIN 

qween: no 😁

head bitch: but orlin roasts the shit out of nik daily and calls him out on his behavior 

qween: but he’s also MARRIED to nik

fat whore: what you don’t want to marry me?? 

qween: not in the slightest 

fat whore: what makes you think i’d even consider marrying a jew

qween: you ASKED

qween: this day started out shit (literally) and it’s still going downhill 

phat ass: but let’s be real, nik and trish are just wannabe cartmans

phat ass: you can’t beat the og

fat whore: honestly nik stole his entire online presence from me and i don’t appreciate it 

fat whore: plus he’s like 40

qween: i feel like i’m 40 with all the shit you put me through 

stan: Were all aging rapidly bc of you 🤸♀️

clyde: hi happy turkey

straggot: dont u mean happy turkey day?

clyde: no

straggot: so were u calling stan a happy turkey

clyde: yes but everyone

head bitch: cartman is a fat turkey

fat whore: STOP BODYSHAMING ME KINNY

head bitch: no no it was a compliment families will pick you first

qween: yeah to behead

straggot: and eat

fat whore: still a better fate than hanging around you guys

fat whore: OH I THOUGHT OF A NAME FOR STAN

fat whore: can one of u change stans name to circlejerk hippie 

fat whore: i would but said circlejerk hippie didnt give me admin

stan: And you can see why

**head bitch** changed  **stan** ’s name to  **sexy hippie.**

fat whore: it doesnt have the same power smh

sexy hippie: I mean… i can deal with that

head bitch: smooch smooch

sexy hippie: No smooches go kiss someone else

head bitch: kyle smooch smooch

qween: ok

head bitch: OHO???????

head bitch: COME COLLECT YR SMOOCHIES SIR

phat ass: he has to get in line smh

head bitch: AH I HAVE A LINE??

head bitch: i mean of course i do

head bitch: who is in the line

phat ass: the whole town except for craig

head bitch: damn right

fat whore: objection your honor

phat ass: this aint court take your lawyer ass to someone who can understand you

gregor mendel: Girl that was three words

phat ass: i am the spokeswoman of the smooth brain society hoe

head bitch: what is your objection, your shartiness

fat whore: im in line for kfc not your flat ass

head bitch: donate some of yours to a poor child in need then

qween: he could start a whole ass charity

qween: OMG A WHOLE A S S CHARITY I DIDNT EVEN MEAN TO DO THAT

head bitch: can i rate asses

straggot: can we stop you

head bitch: no

straggot: then do so if you must

head bitch: in last place we have cartman because i hate him

fat whore: you wish you had my ass

head bitch: you wish i wished that

head bitch: ill just rank top 3

head bitch: in 3rd place we have bebe, whose phat juicy ass is world renowned 

phat ass: *takes a bow that shows off phat juicy ass*

head bitch: in 2nd we have kyle, who has no right to have that good of an ass

qween: i-

head bitch: and first place goes, of course, to me, for the sexiest ass around

gregor mendel: That’s a bit pretentious

head bitch: listen wendy stan is great and all and yeah hes sexy but do he got that booty? no, no he do not got that booty.

sexy hippie: That’s fair

sexy hippie: Its my one shortcoming

head bitch: take stan and insert my ass

head bitch: WAIT WTF NO

head bitch: THAT CAME OUT SO WRONG 

head bitch: no but if stan had my ass? or kyles ass? or bebes ass? he would be unstoppable

gregor mendel: Time to start doing squats babe

sexy hippie: My beauty is a burden, truly

qween: thats a burden cartman will never have to carry

fat whore: says the one with pores more clogged than bebes shower drain

phat ass: OK IF YOU HAD MY HAIR YOUR DRAIN WOULD BE CLOGGED UP TOO

head bitch: cartman you have bacne so stfu

phat ass: BACNE??????   


head bitch: acne on your back dummy

phat ass: OH i thought that was like a fungus or something

phat ass: like a mushroom

qween: a MUSHROOM??

fat whore: the mushrrooms growing out of my back rn🥵🥵

straggot: ok but did anyone else read the book where this girl grew radishes out her forehead

clyde: OMG MY HOMEGURL PATSY

fat whore: mrs piggle wiggle????

straggot: YES YES THATS IT

straggot: omg i lived in fear from that book

qween: in FEAR?

straggot: yeah cuz i thought i would start growing radishes on my face

fat whore: were you planting seeds on your FUCKING HEAD??????

straggot: of course not

fat whore: then how are you gonna be scared

clyde: OMG REMEMBER HOW SHE HAD AN UPSIDE DOWN HOUSE   


qween: yeah VIVIDLY cause SOMEONE tried to flip my house upside down after they read that

fat whore: i thought it would be a pleasant surprise

qween: KENNY AND I WERE IN THERE YOU ASS

fat whore: well its not like i REALLY accomplished anything

sexy hippie: didnt u dig up like half their yard and smash in one of the walls

fat whore: yeah and for nothing :/

fat whore: oh well

straggot: you fucking scare me

gaylord: this is why nobody likes them

straggot: oh hey craig 

gaylord: hi dude 

head bitch: craig has a list of people he can be nice to and it’s two names long

gaylord: about to add your name to the list of people im murdering in cold blood

phat ass: oh god am i on there

gaylord: not yet youre just on the waiting list

gaylord: ok ok but did you guys see the full moon last night

head bitch: yeah it was sexc as fuck

fat whore: you still have a boner for the solar system craig?

gaylord: you still use adult diapers eric?

qween: HWAHAHGGVSVHGSVGHVGGHG CRAIG PLS TELL ME YOURE SERIOUS

gaylord: deadass

fat whore: I DO NOT WEAR DIAPERS FAG

head bitch: cartman is a homosexual, confirmed

fat whore: WHAT

phat ass: you said fag only fags can say fag

fat whore: IF I SAY KIKE DOES THAT MAKE ME A JEW

qween: yes boo welcome to the club your yarmulke is on the table next to your jew gold

fat whore: WHAT 

fat whore: HES JOKING RIGHT

qween: nope, youre a jew now

fat whore: SOMEONE SAY HES JOKING

qween: no jokes

fat whore: bye im killing myself now

head bitch: IM GONNA PEE MYSELF SBJHQVJ BVVH

straggot: DONT TELL ME YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT

fat whore: now i want to kill myself even more

qween: nooo dont kill yourself ur so jewish ahahah

fat whore: HELP MEE THE TABLES HAVE TABLED

qween: im actually crying of laughing rn I STG

head bitch: IM SAYING HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE RN

phat ass: i love adele

head bitch: i love you

phat ass: i love you too

qween: rare wholesome moment

phat ass: i just started my period and that blood clot was a PHATTY

head bitch: FUCK YEAH did you name her

phat ass: yess i named her julia but i flushed her

fat whore: some people need to be bullied more

phat ass: i agree 

phat ass: people like cartman

clyde: kyle do u celebrate thanksgiving even though youre jewish

qween: wha-

qween: THANKSGIVING AINT A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY

fat whore: hey jews are elusive by nature, its very valid for him to ask

clyde: i feel dumb now

qween: its ok clyde

qween: you can be dumb with kenny and bebe

head bitch: yesss join us mwahahaha

phat ass: i bet clyde has a PHAT ass 

head bitch: oh fuck yah

clyde: well i mean not to brag or anything 

straggot: he does

head bitch: HASQJGHVAJHH OMG I WAS NOT EXPECTINF THAT

straggot: expect the unexpected my friend

fat whore: i literally have a phat ass why am i receiving no praise

head bitch: your ass is FAT, our asses are PHAT

phat ass: theres a huge difference

fat whore: i put mashed potatoes in one of yalls pillows lets see how long it takes for my victim to discover it

qween: it was mine wasnt it

fat whore: no, although i was tempted

butters: fellas is there like a tooth fairy for thanksgiving? cause i just found some mashed potatoes under my pillow

head bitch: IM COMING OVER WITH A FORK

fat whore: god kenny potatoes are like a fucking dollar are you that poor

head bitch: YES HOE

butters: oh goody we can have dinner together!

head bitch: i would like nothing more

phat ass: CANNED BLACK OLIVES ARE THE DEVILS OVULATION

sexy hippie: What

phat ass: OVULATI O N 

straggot: i truly cannot deal with this shit

phat ass: TRY HAVING EGGS SQUIRT OUT YOUR UTERUS EVERY MONTH

straggot: thats ok im good

head bitch: omg hard boiled eggs 🥵🥵

phat ass: theyre more like scrambled

head bitch: oh that makes sense


	6. hatsugay miku

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so none of y'all was gonna tell me i forgot to add jimmy and nichole??? i see how it is smh  
> ok so me and my girlfriend made latkes except we fucked up and didn't get all the liquid out so they were super oily and im sad bc i feel like i've disappointed my ancestors,,, happy hanukkah/chanukah though!!

gregor mendel: Does anyone have Nicholes number 

phat ass: ooh i do 

phat ass: i asked her to join the group chat but she said y’all were too fuckin wack 

head bitch: add her anyway

phat ass: she might leave 

head bitch: pls

head bitch: i love nichole

phat ass: ok ok calm your tatas

**phat ass** added  **nichole** to the chat. 

nichole: bebe - 

phat ass: pls boo everyone wants you here

stan: DUDE NICHOLE IS HERE?? HELL YEAH

gregor mendel: Yeah we love you! 

nichole: i’ll give y’all a chance 

nichole: can i add jimmy he finally got a phone number 

head bitch: UM YES

phat ass: fucking finally did he get a new phone too cause that nokia was prehistoric 

**nichole** added  **jimmy** to the chat.

nichole: ask him yrself

jimmy: what’s up guys 

head bitch: JIMMY MY MANS

fat whore: JIMMY MY MANS

fat whore: hey back off kenneth

fat whore: jimmy is MY stand up buddy

jimmy: you mean i talk and you stand and laugh loudly and awkwardly 

fat whore: yeah duh 

head bitch: jimmy i’m sexier than cartman 

jimmy: that is a low bar 

fat whore: HEY

fat whore: kenny has no ass 

butters: except he kinda does 

fat whore: as if you could get any gayer

butters: no we went to hawaii togeher n we were in swimsuits! 

head bitch: tell cartman how juicy my ass is 

nichole: JUICY???

**straggot** changed  **nichole** ’s name to  **allthebraincells**

allthebraincells: i mean yeah 

straggot: it had to be said 

straggot: sorry even wendy and kyle are stupid as fuck

gregor mendel: Hey 

fat whore: so i assume nichole is joining the super wrinkly brain society 

stan: Jimmy you wanna join us? slightly creased brain society?

jimmy: absolutely 

phat ass: we need more smooth brains :(

qween: we absolutely do not 

straggot: kyle we have a new member 

qween: fuck yeah you joined the right team nichole 

fat whore: yeah if you need some melatonin join n youll fall rigtht asleep 

qween: i watched you put mustard into your soda instead of on your hot dog

fat whore: STFU KYKE

fat whore: KYLE*

qween: ….

fat whore: i stg that was a typo

fat whore: although it’s really funny and i might use it from now on 

phat ass: hey antisemitism ain’t cute 

gregor mendel: Antisemitics get dysentery 

qween: are u talking about the crusades??

gregor mendel: Yes! 

straggot: remember when the noble incredibly smart emperor fell off his horse and drowned on the way to jerusalem 

qween: BARBAROSSA 

phat ass: ain’t that the bitch from pirates of the charibbean 

fat whore: ...charibbean??

phat ass: SHUR UP ITS HARD TO TYPE

straggot: yeah if i remember right the christians lost every crusade except the first one 

phat ass: wendy is telling me to iron my pants

phat ass: let me have my Jean penis in peace!! 

phat ass: WHY DID YOU CAPITALIZE JEAN YOU FUCKING IDIOT FUCK

qween: are you talking to yourself 

phat ass: yes sir 

straggot: self care

allthebraincells: self deprecation

qween: ok so i’m in psychology right

fat whore: i don’t know are you 

qween: it was rhetorical 

fat whore: i’m sorry i’m not a walking dictionary bc wtf does that mean 

gaylord: no you’re a walking vacuum 

gaylord: collecting food 

fat whore: shut your mouth before i eat you 

straggot: be careful he really will 

fat whore: i will eat you too

head bitch: you’ll eat him out 

fat whore: WHAT THE FUCK KENNY

fat whore: back to rhombical or whatever tf kyle was talking about pls 😍🤚

qween: rhetorical 

fat whore: bless you 

qween: anyway point being i was looking up bipolar symptoms and one was just 

qween: unprotected sex 

fat whore: uh oh kenny we’ve got you a diagnosis 

phat ass: HASHHDGVXBXBH 

sexy hippie: What the fyck website were u on

qween: MAYO CLINIC

phat ass: well damn then that’s why i mean wtf does a condiment know about illness

fat whore: it knows how to make me shit blood

qween: did i ask

fat whore: was i speaking to you 

head bitch: am i sexy

butters: yes!

head bitch: omg 😳😳 butters stoooop i’m blushing 

butters: idk what stoooop means but it kinda sounds like stroopwafels except not at all

head bitch: wtf is a stroppwafel

qween: it’s like this wafer thing with usually caramel filling idk it’s rlly good and it’s pressed like a waffle

phat ass: what’s a stroop tho i get the wafel part 

fat whore: ain’t that the bitches from the grinch 

straggot: the WHOS???

fat whore: oh 

fat whore: nevermind

head bitch: Cindy Lou Who🎄🎄is typing….

phat ass: thinking about the onceler

head bitch: you and me both

sexy hippie: What is wrong with u

head bitch: a whole fucking lot

phat ass: i broke my brush in my hair today 

qween: cartman broke a chair with his ass today 

fat whore: NO I DIDNT KYLE

fat whore: I STG BITCHES BE SAYING ANYTHING THESE DAYS

clyde: GUYS 

straggot: yes?

clyde: TELL KYLE HAPPY HANUKKAH

straggot: oh yeah!! happy hanukkah dude 

sexy hippie: Me and kenny go over to watch the menorah lighting every evening 

qween: aww thanks guys

fat whore: i’m not wishing you a happy hanukkah until i get the latkes i asked for 

qween: i fucking gave you like ten 

fat whore: i asked for 1000

qween: IM NOT MAKING YOU A THOUSAND LATKES 

fat whore: fucking stingy asshole smh 

qween: i physically do not have enough potatoes, kitchen space, time, or will to live to make that many 

straggot: we understand 

sexy hippie: Especially the will to live part bc me fucking too

gregor mendel: I go over to his house and this man is eating dry cereal with a fork

head bitch: as he should

gregor mendel: DRY CEREAL

gregor mendel: FORK

sexy hippie: We had no milk

allthebraincells: and the fork??? 

sexy hippie: I DONT KNOW LEAVE ME ALONE

jimmy: i just watched the cats movie 

qween: and you did this because…..?

jimmy: i felt like suffering 

fat whore: HEY THATS A GOOD MOVIE UGLY HOES

gaylord: if you’re a cat lady, maybe 

head bitch: he is though 

fat whore: i’m not a cat lady kenny

fat whore: cats are just the only tolerable things on this earth 

qween: you literally just described a cat lady

clyde: society if cartman accepted that he is a cat lady 

fat whore: society if clyde ingested cyanide and dropped dead

head bitch: society if i didnt have a piss kink

straggot: hold up 

straggot: a WHAT

head bitch: piss in my face 😍😍

phat ass: piss kink army unite 😊🤚

gregor mendel: Oh god not you too - 

straggot: god help us all

fat whore: except for kyle 

phat ass: why are u so mean omg

fat whore: cant fight human nature 

qween: kenny i’m never fucking inviting you to make latkes with me ever again 

head bitch: wait what why

qween: first off yiu showed up in a hatsune miku cosplay 

head bitch: ??? you told me to???

qween: I SAID COME CELEBRATE HANUKKAH

head bitch: OHH that makes more sense i heard senbonzakura 

qween: how-

sexy hippie: Ok but you have to admit it was a good cosplay 

qween: HE GOT WIG HAIR IN THE FUCKING POTATOES

qween: I SAID SHRED THE POTATOES NOT YOUR WEAVE

head bitch: okok listen 

head bitch: that wig sheds like a bitch i couldn’t help it 

sexy hippie: You got it stuck in the grater with pieces of onion lmao-

fat whore: so glad i wasn’t there

qween: good bc nobody invited you

sexy hippie: It was so fucking funny 

head bitch: i am a master of comedy

qween: my mom saw the latkes and almost broke down 

head bitch: IM SORRY OK

qween: it’s ok you ate all of them 

phat ass: mmm wig

head bitch: it’s like the strings on snap peas

clyde: gross 

head bitch: i mean it is fake hair so 

straggot: clyde you don’t need to associate yourself with the piss kink weave eater over there

clyde: i don’t?

straggot: no honey just come sit with me 

fat whore: you sound gay

straggot: you are gay 

fat whore: NO

head bitch: it’s ok ✅ 

head bitch: you’ll embrace it someday 

fat whore: kenneth i am not a homosexual 

head bitch: then give me a smooch

fat whore: THATS LITERALLY GAY

head bitch: no i want to see if you blush

fat whore: i’m not kissing you hatsugay miku go find butters or something 

qween: kenny i cant believe you stooped as low as CARTMAN

head bitch: hatsugay miku

head bitch: IS HE STARTING TO BECOME FUNNY

fat whore: always have been 

head bitch: no nvm the narcissism ruined it 

phat ass: it’s ok you have me for comedic relief 

head bitch: yes and you have a better ass

phat ass: i know

fat whore: i will not take this slander

head bitch: what u gonna do about it

fat whore: idk probably kill kyle

qween: wh-

sexy hippie: Nooo don’t kill kyle youre so skinny and funny ahahha

qween: STOOOP MY LUNGS

phat ass: STOP MY LUNGS THEYRE RUNNING AWAY!!!

head bitch: THEY COMMITTED TAX FRAUD

phat ass: CATCH THEM PLS I CANT BREATHE

head bitch: JUST USE YOUR GILLS

phat ass: OH RIGHT DUH *gills expand out of neck*

fat whore: what the fuck 

phat ass: NOW I NEED WATER

head bitch: SORRY HERE *pees cutely*

phat ass: YOURE TOO DEHYDRATED

phat ass: ITS NEON

head bitch: AH FUCK *unhinges jaw and swallows sewer* HOLD ON APPROXIMATELY 24 MINUTES

phat ass: ILL NEVER MAKE IT

head bitch: *magic school bus appears* QUICK GET ON YOU CAN SWIM IN MY STOMACH

phat ass: *boards school bus fishily*

head bitch: *bus shrinks* *swallows bus* mm yeah

phat ass: *falling down your throat* AHHHHH

head bitch: BE CAREFUL

phat ass: *lands in your digestive juices and starts disintegrating* OH NO

gaylord: *sudden wave of shart so watery fish are living in it floods the street* cartman: MY ASSHOLE OW FUCK kyle: stop eating chipotle 

head bitch: QUICK LEMME THROW YOU UP

phat ass: *gives thumbs up laying dead in your stomach acid*

head bitch: *everyone applauds*

gaylord: *cartman cries when he sits down bc his ass hurts*

phat ass: THE END

qween: what the actual fucking shit

fat whore: what the actual shitting fuck

fat whore: craig why do you only log on to insult me

gaylord: because i hate you 

gaylord: i will never forgive you for the fucking pan flute bands

head bitch: we sounded lit though

fat whore: no kenny you THINK you sounded lit

gaylord: all you did was spit in your instrument 

head bitch: I WAS TRYING MY BEST

tweek: that was terrifying 

gaylord: you’re not still scared of stripe are you

tweek: no Bc i trust you

head bitch: AWWWWWWWWWWWWW

gaylord: i will snap your neck 

sexy hippie: Nooo don’t kill kenny he can get better at pan flute ahaha 

phat ass: loving stan a lot rn

sexy hippie: Thank you

qween: we all love stan

fat whore: stop speaking for everyone jesus 

fat whore: or should i say not-jesus this time of year

qween: you should shut your mouth and not open it again 

fat whore: see i ask a genuine question and he’s so mean to me 

qween: WHAT

fat whore: smh my head this bitch is a bully

head bitch: punch me in the face kyle

qween: what - no??!??

head bitch: someone needs to step on me rn

fat whore: you kinky motherfucker

head bitch: most of y’all’s moms ugly as fuck

qween: trust me we know

head bitch: idk where cartman inherited his ugly genes though 

fat whore: EXCUSE ME

fat whore: i came here to attack people and i’m honestly not having a good time right now 

straggot: good

clyde: wanna play fnaf

straggot: clyde-

clyde: pls i cant get past night 3

straggot: okay okay 

clyde: YEAH FUCK YEAH

gaylord: i smell gays 

fat whore: i do trust the gaydar of the gaylord

gaylord: yeah i was smelling you

fat whore: CRAIG-


End file.
